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Snakeway to Heaven/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (Scene opens up with a full view of Snake Way.) NARRATOR: Last time on Dragon Ball Z Abridged... Goku began his journey down Snake Way. ...Wait is that some kind of innuendo? (Goku is seen running down Snake Way.) GOKU: (in his thoughts) This is going to be the longest, toughest journey I’ve ever made! I have to receive King Kai’s training, and battle the biggest threat to the planet we’ve ever faced! I have to run as fast as I can—I have to keep running! For the sake of the Earth, humanity, and my fam— (Camera cuts to a sleeping Goku on a moving cleanup truck. The truck bumps into something, causing Goku to fall off Snake Way and down into the clouds.) GOKU: (hits his head on Snake Way) OW, GAAAAAAAAA... (Opening sequence with Goku's scream fading out, which resumes at the end of the sequence.) (Scene changes to a screaming Goku falling straight into the depths of Hell.) GOKU: AAAAAAHHHHH— (Goku crashes hard onto the floor.) GOKU: (in pain) Oowwww... GOZ: Oh who do we have here? A little girly man, yeah? GOKU: I’m Goku. Who are you? GOZ: I am Goz. MEZ: And I am Mez. GOZ & MEZ: Und we are here to pump (camera cuts to a surprised Goku while a clapping sound is heard) you up! GOKU: (disturbed) Okay... well I’m sorta— GOZ: (interrupting) First we are going to do a hundred squats! MEZ: And then lots of push-ups on the hard ground! GOZ: And then a bunch of jumping jacks! Ooooooooo!! GOKU: (even more disturbed) That...sounds like...fun. But I’m sort of in a hurry? How do I get out of here? MEZ: 'Agh, there's no way out of here; unless you manage to beat us in a test of strength and speed. GOZ: Yeah, lots of running, 'und wrestling, 'und 'sveat! MEZ: Grappling each other on 'ze cold ground, yeah. GOKU: (desperate to avoid this) Okay, now let’s say we went through all of that, then where would you say the exit is? GOZ: (points towards the exit) Oh. It's right over 'zere. MEZ: Ja, but you have to beat us first, and—''(sees Goku running off)'' Ach! He’s running away! GOKU: (stops running and turns around) Oh, before I go, have you seen my brother Raditz around here? Spikey hair, tail? MEZ: Agh, yes, he made a horrible mess of 'ze Blood Fountain. GOKU: (looks at the Blood Fountain) Looks fine to me. GOZ: (angrily) IT USED TO BE 'VATER!!! GOKU: Wow. Well, I’m going now! By the way, thanks for the fruit! (reveals a fruit he took from the tree) MEZ: (horrified as he watches Goku eat the fruit) Agh! He has a piece of 'ze fruit! Agh, nein! Don't eat 'ze fruit! Don't eat 'ze fruit! GOKU: (finishes eating the fruit) Bye! (leaves) GOZ: Oh, now we can't make 'ze fruit salad for King Yemma's barbeque! MEZ: Yeah, 'und Dabura's going to bring something totally kickass, 'und we will have nothing, 'und WE WILL LOOK LIKE FOOLS!!! GOZ: Ugh, I am so mad! MEZ: Yeah, let us go 'vork off our stress by doing squat thrusts 'und stretches. GOZ: Yeah, 'zen we'll do grappling in our speedos. MEZ: I'll grab 'ze oil. (they both walk off) (Scene shift to Earth at nighttime.) NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Earth.... Now that’s got to be some kind of innuendo. (Camera pans upward on a plateau, with a frightened Gohan looking down from the top as a wolf howls from a distance.) GOHAN: I can’t believe Piccolo left me out here all alone! How am I supposed to get down from here? PICCOLO: (offscreen) CLIIIIMB DOWWWWWWWN!!! GOHAN: I can't even get any food or water! What should I do? PICCOLO: (offscreen) I SAID, CLIIIIMB DOWWWWWWWN!!! GOHAN: If only I had some sticks or reeds lying around, I could make a makeshift ladder, or a rope... (Piccolo screams offscreen in frustration.) (Scene shift to Kami's Lookout.) KAMI: You have all come to train on my lookout. But since I am quite old, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Popo. (begins to walk inside the lookout) Mr. Popo, you know what to do... MR. POPO: Yes, Kami. (Camera changes to Mr. Popo looking at Krillin, Tien holding Chiaotzu, Yamcha, and Yajirobe as a sound of a door slamming can be heard.) MR. POPO: Alright maggots, listen up! Popo's about to teach you the Pecking Order! (screen goes black) MR. POPO: It goes: You (show a text "YOU"), the dirt (shows dirt), the worms inside of the dirt (shows a group of worms), Popo’s stool (shows a black censored box, literally not meaning a type of seat), Kami (shows Kami), then Popo (shows Mr. Popo's eyes on top). Any questions? KRILLIN: Um, yeah I—''(cut to an outside shot of Kami's lookout as a punching sound can be heard, followed by a black dot falling off said lookout)'' KRILLIN: (as he falls off the lookout) GGGAAAAAA... (scream fades out) (Krillin Owned Count: 3) MR. POPO: Enjoy the climb back up, BITCH! Now, any more questions? (everyone remains silent) Good, then we can begin. (Scene changes to Goku running on Snake Way.) GOKU: Okay! No more diversions! This is really important! No more sidetr— (notices a house) Oooh a house! (Goku stops running and looks at the front entrance) GOKU: (in his thoughts) Is that a snake? (Snake-house sucks Goku inside its mouth.) GOKU: ...EEEEEEEEEEEEEE— (Goku falls through an open door from the ceiling and hits his back on the the floor, causing him to scream in pain.) (Cuts to a black screen, with a sound effect from Metal Gear Solid's intermission playing, and then a screen opens up, which is a reference to a Codec conversation in "Metal Gear Solid".) SERVANT: Princess Snake! you have a visitor! PRINCESS SNAKE: Ah, perfect... Now let me assess the situation from here... (Princess Snake looks out a window and notices Goku talking to a servant) PRINCESS SNAKE: Well, he’s quite the hunk of man-meat! But what’s with the hair? (Door opens and shows Princess Snake and two servants walking towards Goku.) PRINCESS SNAKE: (in her thoughts) I just love this fur coat! Especially since I killed all the animals for it myself! GOKU: Huh? You don’t look like you be King Kai. PRINCESS SNAKE: (blushes) What? Did my magnificent breasts tip you off? GOKU: (confused) W-what? PRINCESS SNAKE: Nothing. Are you hungry? GOKU: Yeah! I could eat anything right now! PRINCESS SNAKE: Me too... GOKU: What? PRINCESS SNAKE: Nothing! Take a seat! (Scene shifts to a table filled with steaming food.) PRINCESS SNAKE: I killed everything here with my bare hands. Including the bear hands—It’s a PUN! (Goku is seen chowing down on the food.) GOKU: (with his mouth full) I can’t believe you took all this down yourself! PRINCESS SNAKE: I wanna take YOU down... GOKU: What? PRINCESS SNAKE: Nothing! Get in the hot tub! (Scene changes to Goku taking a bath in a hot tub filled with red water.) GOKU: Wow, this water’s really nice! (A cardboard box slowly moves behind Goku.) PRINCESS SNAKE: (spying at Goku from inside the box) Not as nice as your ass! (An exclamation mark appears above Goku's head, along with the alert sound effect from "Metal Gear Solid" playing.) GOKU: Huh? (Princess Snake quickly moves out of the screen in her cardboard box.) (Scene changes to Goku entering Princess Snake's castle, fully dressed.) GOKU: Well, thanks for the food and stuff, but I’ve got to get to King Kai! PRINCESS SNAKE: (runs behind Goku) No! First you must pass the test of... endurance! GOKU: What’s that mean? PRINCESS SNAKE: It means I want you... (blushes and covers part of her face with her fur coat) inside me! GOKU: (completely clueless) What do you mean? PRINCESS SNAKE: You’ll see... (Scene changes to Goku flying away from Princess Snake in her snake form, with the "Encounter" music from Metal Gear Solid playing.) GOKU: Aaaaaahhhh! PRINCESS SNAKE: Hah! Total supplication! (breathes fires at Goku) GOKU: Whaaaaa! Stop chasing me! (Princess Snake tries to bite Goku but Goku flies out of the way) PRINCESS SNAKE: (makes grunting noises) GOKU: Stop grunting—it’s creepy! PRINCESS SNAKE: (grunts) Wakka wakka wakka— (Scenes changes to Princess Snake chasing Goku in the style of a Pac-Man game) PRINCESS SNAKE: Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka. GOKU: (simultaneously as Princess Snake is saying "wakka") Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—''(notices meat)'' Ooo! (stops moving and eats meat) PRINCESS SNAKE: Wakka wakka wakka wakka wak— GOKU: (simultaneously as Princess Snake is saying "wakka") Aaaaaaaaa— (Scene changes to a wasteland at nighttime. Piccolo is watching Gohan from the sky as he is still stuck on top of a plateau.) PICCOLO: Oh for god’s sake, now he’s just standing there looking at the moon like a retarded puppy! (camera zooms out and shows Gohan looking at a full moon) I was trying to teach him to fend for himself, but nooo, (Gohan begins his transformation into a Ōzaru) he has to be a WEAK, DEFENSELESS LITTLE—(finally noticing Gohan's transformation) Wait, is he getting bigger? (Gohan fully transforms into an Ōzaru and holds up a barrel, with the theme of "Donkey Kong" playing.) PICCOLO: (surprised) Okay, that’s new! (in his thoughts) Wait a second, that tail! (remembers Goku and Raditz's conversation) His Saiyan blood! Does this mean... (out loud extremely quickly) Everyone of Gohan’s race can become a giant gorilla! (Ōzaru Gohan shoots a mouth beam, destroying some terrain.) PICCOLO: Damn it, if he destroys everything, what will be left for me?! (Piccolo stares at the moon while Ōzaru Gohan continues to cause destruction offscreen.) PICCOLO: (shoots a ki blast at the moon, destroying it) STOP MOCKING ME!!! (Ōzaru Gohan shrinks, with the "Super Mario" sound effect of going down a pipe playing, and reverts to his human form, naked (which a Dragonball is censoring), and falls down unconscious.) PICCOLO: (lands next to Gohan) Hah! Take that, Moon! Perfect orbit, my ass! And— (looks at Gohan) Huh? Where’d the monkey go? Well, he’s back to normal. (notices Gohan's "male jewels") Oh God, what the hell is that thing? Well, whatever it is, I don’t like looking at it. This either. (pulls off Gohan's tail) Now... CLOTHES BEAM!!! (fires a beam at Gohan, giving him a new pair of clothes and a sword) That is easily my most metro attack. (Scene changes to Goku once again running on Snake Way.) NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Snake Way... GOKU: Man, that was close! Sure am glad I got away from that giant snake lady! (Scene cut to Princess Snake tangled up in a knot.) PRINCESS SNAKE: (grunts, trying to break free, but no avail) AAAAAAGGHHH!! (scream echos as the screen fades to black, showing the "Game Over" screen from Metal Gear Solid with its theme also playing) SERVANT: Princess Snake? Princess Snake? PRINCESS SNAAAKE!! (ending sequence) STINGER (Scene shows Piccolo with an unconscious Gohan.) PICCOLO: Yep, and once again wanton destruction has solved all of my problems! With absolutely no negative repercussions! (Scene changes to Kame House.) REPORTER: We’ve got breaking news that the Earth’s moon has been completely destroyed. While the long-term environmental effects can only be guessed at, preliminary speculation puts the short-term death toll from tidal effects alone, at the hundreds of millions. We now go to our resident expert on lunar science, Sailor Moon. Sailor? SAILOR MOON: (getting shocked) OH DEAR GOD!! REPORTER: Thanks, Sailor! We now return you to Nick at Nite’s 24-hour Full House Marathon, already in progress. (Camera turns black. Scene changes to outer space, where Vegeta and Nappa's Space Pods are seen flying through space and passes a few planets.) NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta. VEGETA: What? NAPPA: Are we there yet? VEGETA: No. NAPPA: Are we there yet? VEGETA: No. NAPPA: Are we there yet? VEGETA: No. NAPPA: Are we there yet? VEGETA: No. NAPPA: Are we there yet? VEGETA: No. NAPPA: Are we there yet? VEGETA: No. Category:DBZA Transcripts